I turned 33 this past week, folks, and I realized that I’m getting old much faster than I ever suspected I would. I have a theory about this phenomenon, and you’re going to hear about it, whether you like it or not.
You see, when you’re five, a year represents a sizeable chunk of your life. That’s why five-year-olds are so proud to tell you, "I’m actually five-and-a-half. I’ll be six soon." Tacking on another year is quite an accomplishment. As you get older, each year becomes an increasingly smaller percentage of your life. And according to my calculations, it’s going to get progressively worse. By the time I’m retired (assuming my generation gets to retire), I expect the years will leave a sonic boom as they whip past. Tacking on another year will still be quite an accomplishment, just for a different reason. I’m sure I’ll tell people, "I’m actually eighty-five-and-a-half. I’ll be eighty-six soon."
Anyhow, here are a few tell-tale signs that I know I’m getting older:
- I’ve never used "crunk", "ginormous", "off the chain", "I’m not feeling it," or "hit me up" in conversation
- I got "sirred" in a restaurant yesterday by a kid who actually meant it
- My favorite college bands are now considered classic rock
- I can name fewer than five pop albums released in the past year
- I haven’t watched MTV in a decade (and VH1 is really pushing it’s luck with me lately)
- I find myself thinking, “You know, mom was right”
- Young people offer a blank stare when I talk about MacGuyver
- I use the phrase "young people"
- There are hotties on TV that are far too young for me to be drooling over
- Not only do I watch the evening news, but I also find the commercials are becoming more relevant to me
- I actually remember hanging out in an arcade (that’s where they used to have video games…oh, just forget it)
- I have a cassette and the means to play it
- I no longer have to buy new clothes to look retro, I just dig through my closet
- If I don’t get to bed by 11 PM, I can’t crap right for a week
Sure, getting old blows, but it still beats the alternative.
PS: For the three of my (five) readers that got the pun in the title, here’s a binary high-five for you…101!